the Thinker

I read a story when I was in fifth standard, about a crow-couple who were planning to build a nest and were searching for a favourable spot for setting it up. They wanted the place to be warm and cozy as Mrs. Crow (don’t mistake her for a human being, I am actually talking about birds) was expecting eggs.

After searching for some time, the crows found a place, which matched up their expectations. But on the same day, they saw a cuckoo-couple eyeing the same spot. The cuckoos had also spotted the crows. The crows grew worried as they thought that the cuckoos were also inclined upon building their nest in the same spot. In a hurry, they began building their nest and finished it quickly.

Soon, Mrs. Crow laid her eggs; there were 4 of them. The crows were very happy and started thinking of nice names for the tiny babies, which would soon hatch out of the eggs.

However, all their joys were interrupted with a sudden sense of fear and insecurity; when they saw the cuckoos sneaking near their home again; as the day of hatching of the eggs drew near. The crows wondered what were the cuckoos upto. Assuming that the cuckoos were upto some mischief, they started keeping a closer watch on their eggs.

Finally, the eggs hatched and the newcomers filled the nest with their delightful twitter. The cuckoos were not seen for some time. As time rolled by, the baby birds got feathers. But one thing puzzled the crow-couple; one of the babies had started to look very different from the rest. Unlike the ‘rich and stately black texture of crows’ (as the crow-couple felt); this one was developing strange spots on its body. The couple had started feeling worried, as they wondered whether some dreadful disease had caught hold of their child. Their anxieties grew as time passed. This child also kept mum for most of the time.

The baby birds had gradually learnt to spread their wings for their first flight. Even now the parent crows could not figure out what was wrong with this kid; until one a spring morning, they received the greatest shock of their lives. Their seemingly ‘sick’ child was singing to the tunes of spring, which are known only to cuckoos.

Things became clearer when the baby cuckoo flew to another branch, where its parents waited for it. The crows were dumbfounded to see the same old cuckoo couple, whom they had seen before.

Moral of the story-apples do not grow on bamboo trees. Confused? You guys must be wondering what am I posting on? Well, that thing about grapes and apple trees is something that my mother always tells me; whenever I express a desire to adopt a child later in life.

She means to say that an adopted child is not likely to be attached to the parents to the extent a real biological child is. I am often surprised to hear her say so. But whenever I attempt to argue her idea, I fail to defend my own ideas about the topic completely. Somewhere, it results in a failure of my faith in my own values. I feel that if provided with love, a good upbringing and education, then an adopted child loves us; or is as dear to us as a biological child.

But there are some people who contest this idea. According to them, the genes that a child inherits from its biological parents is the single most important factor, which determines a child’s attitude, nature and behaviour. Such people also believe that the amount of love, education and upbringing that such a child receives influences its tastes and values to an extent. But it cannot eclipse the natural traits and qualities that a child receives from its original parents.

Therefore, their argument concludes this way-if you adopt a child, whose biological parents (either one or both) were ill tempered, wicked, of loose morals, or worse-criminals; then there is quite a possibility that the child would follow their footsteps.

I cannot agree with such a thought completely, but I find it difficult to deny it as well. And unfortunately, the incidents that I have heard or know of with regard to this issue, tends to confirm the view opposed to the one I hold.

But then, there are certain points that I would like to make. The kind of morals and attitude a child exhibits is also determined by the kind of treatment that it receives from its foster parents. There are some cases where a childless couple goes ahead and adopts a child. Soon after that, they have their own child (miraculously). The scene changes after the arrival of the newcomer. The parents start neglecting, ignoring or worse, ill-treating the adopted child.

In my family there is a belief that when one provides a home to an orphan, it is a blessed act. It is considered to be an act of great virtue and could be followed by the arrival of a biological offspring in the house.

It is not that parents always tend to ignore or ill-treat an adopted child, after they have their own child (most of us have to be insane to a certain degree to do so). But, the general idea is that even though one does not ill-treat or ignore adopted children, after the birth of their own child; consciously or unconsciously, the balance of love and affection tilts in favour of one’s biological child.

I guess that could be one reason, which leads to enforcement of stringent adoption laws in certain countries. In some places, a single parent; especially a single man is not allowed to adopt children because of fear of abuse or other such instances.

There are several other debates in relation to this issue, pertaining to property distribution among children, adopted as well as biological. At some orphanages, parents who adopt children of a tender age (6-7 months or a year old baby) are told in advance that they should reveal to the child, his/her actual identity, when they are slightly older (say 7-10 years).

Nonetheless, it is optional. There are some people who think it wiser to disclose the truth to the child because they feel that once the child passes into his/her teens or climbs up more steps of the age-ladder; it becomes more difficult for the parents to divulge the truth.

It is also believed that at that stage, if the adopted offspring comes to know of his/her actual parentage, then it could lead to devastating consequences for the him/her, in terms of emotional and mental well being.

People, who are not quite comfortable with such a view (myself included), think that it is best if the child is never told about his/her past or the fact that he/she is an adopted child. But the trouble comes when the child learns the truth from somewhere else. Such a situation is best avoided.

Then, would it be right if a child is adopted when he/she is fully conscious emotionally? Would it be right to adopt a child, when he/she knows that people who are not his biological parents; are willing to make him/her a part of their lives? Is this likely to impact the child’s behaviour or nature in future? I do not think that anyone has a definite answer to this question as of now.

i dont know much, but i do certainly believe that values, moral etc are inculcated and not inherited. I believe in certain things and do some things in a particular view, have strong views on some points, because my parents have it...and if an adapted child is taken good care by their foster parents, even they will have it, no matter what be the nature of their biological parentage. Atleast that is what i believe....

if u understand tamil, then do watch kannatil muttamittal...it deals nicely with this subject  

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Amrita..

Heiii, nice to see the last template again..
hv a good memory, still remember..baba re!!
Roy  

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hi kaushik, thanks for dropping by...i agree with what u said and that is one of the points i have made in my post. values are inculcated and not inherited.

thanks for suggesting the movie-i do not understand Tamil though...

hi roy,
welcome back. what was that thing about a 'good memory'? could get what u said.  

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roy, one small thing-went to ur blog. but no text was visible. i guess either its taking too long to download or there is some other problem. check it out. :)  

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refer the March issue of Reader's Digest to find out what sushmita sen,who's single and has adopted a child,has to say about adoption.she holds the view that adopted children are emotionally much better than genetically born babies.  

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Hi..

some problem was there even I didnt view my blog also, now its ok check out(hv a quiz)..
Do u see it proper allignment, some problem is there as its best for only wide screen?!?!

so you are a jounalist....exciting!!
so where, ANADA BAZAAR?!?!

good memory means you still memorize all those nice memories!!

just read your 1st few posts...ur 1st school day in kolkata...in training...


Carry up the spirit...
Roy  

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Dear Amrita,
Evolutionary Psychology addresses such issues very clearly...in fact there is a lot of support for the view that children are born with certain tendencies...a particularly useful book, if you would like to read up on the subject is "The Blank Slate" by Steven Pinker...

besides the old model of the mind was that of a container into which knowledge was added but this has been discarded by many theorists who argue for individual and social construction of knowledge..these are areas in which I will do some research (if Krishna helps me with the process of getting into academics again...and I think He will)...

what you say is true...a child , if adopted must never be told the facts...I really don't want to see someone so young come to terms with such an unsettling thing...in this case alone ignorance (of the fact of adoption) could be bliss (for the child and parent)...
you do have good values...from what I make of your post...you just need to see whether your mind has any value systems or beliefs which are not consistent internally...the more consistent your beliefs and values are the healthier your life and thinking will be

all the best

SARVAM SRIKRISHNAARPANAMASTHU!  

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hi sheks,

thanks for letting me know about the readers digest, i ll try to get hands on this issue. but that was really a strong statement that sushmita sen made.


hi roy,

i will definitely check out ur blog. problems with blogs happens all the time. but its ok, blogger support is there.
thanks for ur good wishes and wish u the same. hope u rise as a musician in the coming years. all the best!!

hi anand,

its always a pleasure to read ur comments because there is so much to know from them, i am not kidding and i must admit; after reading ur comments, i really appreciate the amount of research u do behind every topic. i ve to lay hands on 'The Blank Slate' now, thanks for suggesting the book, and I am sure He (u know who) ll guide u in every sphere of ur life since ur belief in Him is so stoic.

i agree that in some cases ignorance is bliss...as u also spoke of. thanks for all those kind words, and all the best to u as well.

SARVAM SRIKRISHNAARPANAMASTHU!  

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roy,

i revisited ur blog but the error remains. its still not showing any text, maybe u could write to blogger support...

all the best.  

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True. Genes play an important quality alright. But attributing everything to genes is wrong. Einstein's father and mother were no brainers. And there are a lot of examples that we can draw on refreshingly. Genes cannot be modified but they can be suppressed with a proper mental setup and growing up. The son of two criminals though he might be inclined towards violence while growing up might not stray upon the trodden path if he is brought up under a dose of morality, the way he likes. Agreed, he might be more prone to violence than others. But the point is there is a huge chance that he might not stray onto that territory. And that hope is more than enough to bring up the child.
And somehow, I think it better to adopt a child when he/she doesn't have a clue about anything. At a tender age. Because after a few years into one's life, you having to fit into someone else's scheme of things appears to be menacingly disconcerting. If it were me, atleast.  

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from sush's perspective it might be a strong statement.but she isnt aware of the travails that women have to endure for 10 months.  

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hi individualist,

quite an individualistic name...welcome to my blog. thats what i ve also expressed in the post and thanks for that point of view. i too believe that a child, if provided with good values, upbringing and education; could turn out to be a good human being in future irrespective of the fact that his biological parents were of loose morals or worse, criminals. well, if we look around u have children from big and reputed families committing heinous crimes, eg, the Jessica Lal case. what do we have to say with relation to that?

hi sheks,

welcome back...yes, ur point is also valid. that is one reason why parents could be ignorant to their adopted offspring, in comparison to their biological offspring.  

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Do all parents go to somekind of secret parents school?? My mom (and dad) tell me exact same thing about the exact same topic......  

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You said it yourself. They are big and reputed families. Doesn't necessarily mean they are morally fit. Doesn't necessarily mean that they have tried to inculcate them in their offsprings. Infact, they have lesser time to spend with their children. Remember, they are 'big and reputed families'. And they strive hard to maintain their reputation that they don't notice the flower metamorphosing into a weed in their own residence.  

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hi girl interrupted,

haha, thats an interesting point..i guess our parents belong to more or less the same generation, and they speak in accordance to the values and experiences that have been passed on to them.

hi individualist,

yes, i said that only, they are big and reputed families but not necessarily with good moral values...i liked that flower and weed example u gave.  

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9 ppl died last time...and trust me today another whole lot will be attacked....by the Nor'wester...
be safe...don't go out after 7pm...out of whereever ya r....stay at home or work...
Sorry for nto being able to post or comment regularly...i promise that once my work load reduces..not b4 mid may...but keep in touch...stay well and take care or urself...Luv

Brownie  

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Dear Amrita,
this debate is actually going on in academic circles quite forcefully...there was a time when questions like race, inherited characteristics etc were taboo in scientific discourse..in order to maintain political correctness..however modern researchers are making claims which are quite striking.
After all said and done, I am a believer in Krishna-Vasudeva's principle of action as a self-contained means to relaisation...therefore I believe that every child in the world deserves all basic neccesities (which in my definition includes education and psychological support as well as an environment conducive to healthy development)..
SriKrishna is supposed to have said, " possible failure is no excuse for not making an effort."
Therefore I suppose your post is relevant in the sense that irrespective of whether the adopted child loves his/her parents in the end...the foster parents should necessarily love the child , for he/she deserves nothing less.

SARVAM SRIKRISHNAARPANAMASTHU!  

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hi brownstone,

good to see u after such a long time...what was that thing about Nor'wester? I could not get u. hope u all the luck with ur work, all the best and tk care u too. thanks for the good wishes.

hi anand,

hmm..that was indeed interesting to know...i did not know about the scientific discourse on inherited characteristics. thanks for passing on that piece of information...

"SriKrishna is supposed to have said, 'possible failure is no excuse for not making an effort'." I must say that the Bhagwad Gita is a supreme teacher...have a nice day.
SARVAM SRIKRISHNAARPANAMASTHU!  

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so what's ur say on this?u mean to say parents,after adopting a child,shudnt go for genetic offspring?  

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no sheks,

i am not passing a judgement or decision...i am not saying that parents should or should not go for a genetic offspring..i am only discussing the various issues related to adoption and expressing my own point of view. see, what ppl plan to do after adoption purely depends on their own discretion. its a very personal decision whether u go for your own child after having adopted one. but the only thing that i am speaking against is the fact that some parents tend to turn ignorant or tend to ill treat their adopted children, after having their own; which they should not do. if i adopt a child and have my own later, then its my duty to see that i don't differentiate between the two with regards to anything. but sometimes, ppl tend to do so, either consciously or unconciously...because of a reason u stated urself. a mother feels more attached to a kid, she has borne for 9 months...it is natural that she will have an unique attachment to her biological child. but in the process, she should not deny the adopted child of the love and affection that her real child is getting..hope i have been able to convey my thought to u.  

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hey amrita...long time. lotsa posts to read here.
btw,thanks for dropping by...check out my photoblog also :)  

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Hey amrita,

After a long time too! I thought you'd stopped writing after the long break :) Will read and comment in detail. Good Day!  

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so that explains it.  

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hi sriram,

welcome to my blog..i will surely visit ur photoblog.

hi ranj, good to see u again as well...have a good day.

hi sheks, good to hear it does  

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Hi..

Thanx for ur best wishes...

Aei mere yaar sukriya(sukriya)

btw, how is the girl on the last post....

Be cool & travel safely..
Roy  

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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

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me blogrolling u with the name "amrithinker".how's the name?  

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hi roy,
good to see u again...did ur blog problem get fixed? if not, maybe then u could write to the blogger support team. the girl in the last post should be good...when i visited her last time, she was busy interviewing her suitors. did not get the time to get in touch with her again. thanks for those messages, u too have a good day.

hi sheks,
thats quite an unusual name...thanks for blogrolling me.  

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hi,
kya memory hai..........apun tereko maan gaya biru,......kidding...
nice post and nice blog tooooooooo.

Santosh Jena  

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hi santosh, the reaction that i had when i read ur comment was a cross between amusement and surprise...i guess the surprise element was more prominent...though i could not relate to the memory part. anyways, thanks for dropping by again and thanks for those compliments.  

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great blog..... I liked the template......  

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thanks rajesh  

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hey !

thanx for stopping by ...

even i used to have the same arguments w/ my mom .. abt adopting and all .. and she says the same ... genetic characteristics and all

she used to tell me this story :)

tc  

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awesome template  

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hi deepa, welcome to my blog...yeah i guess somewhere our parents speak out of their experience, thats what they say...guess we have to step into the situation and then have our say on the matter...thanks for ur compliments:)  

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I haven't been about lately. But now I'm here :)

Adoption is something that is extremely close to my heart. I've always harboured a notion that I shall one day adopt a little girl.

Like you, I would disagree with yout mother's view - of course, with defense. Yes, genes are important, but it isn't the singular factor in deciding a child's inclination towards his/her parents.

hehe my lecturer once said "why do you give progenate instead of adopting? well, simple really - after sometime, you're just curious how YOUR offsping will come out."

More than all else, I believe people still wish for something of their 'own' more than something of "another's"


As to when to let the child know. Well, I used to have a dear friend who was adopted when she was a baby. She was told when she was around 10. And she took it well. When I questioned her as to would she like to know who her biological parents were, her answer was flat and convincing: a simple "no".

In the end, it's merely in the mind - both in the child's and the parents'.


PS: I know Kannathil Muthamittal. Hehe, and I can't wait to one day sing that song to my little one. (adopted of course)  

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hi shankar,

how are u doing? welcome back...hmm, a coincedence, i also think that i will adopt a girl some time later in life...yes, i agree that genes are not the single most important factor in determining a child's nature and behaviour..and thats what i harped on in the post...well, this is a ery silly example, but superman was an alien brought up by ppl living in earth..and look, how he saved our earth from destruction every time...u must b wondering whether i am mad to cite such an example :) just kidding...:). and yes, it all depends on a person's mind...whether parents' or the adopted child's. wish u a good day...er sorry, i mean goodnight.  

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Well Amrita, I'm quite fine, merely a little tired :)

I love children - esp. little girls. Whenever a little girl passes me, I always catch her attention, so does she mine :) Hehe, I melt at their sight.I've been know to seem intimidating (or so ppl say), hard hearted and calm at all times. But children melts that heart with no effort :)

But single parent adoption is so hard - especially if it a man :(

Hehe, aaww, don't worry, I didn't think you were mad - I thought it was really adorable to give superman as an example! :)

hehe, well, good day to you :) (and I hope you had a goodnight as well)  

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hi shankar, welcome back...nice to know that ur are so much into little angels...well, all the best for ur little one..yes, i know it is difficult for a single male too adopt a girl child but we should always hope for the best...and yes,i had a good night last night. have a nice day :)  

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:) i shall hope for the best...

I'd be the happiest man had I any child :) ...my whole world would change.

nice to know u had a nice night :) I hope tonight would be same.  

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Amrita …

Heiii…I just ask abt the girl on post just for formality coz u know that Roy is gentle man(a man go gentle way)..nothing more than that!!

Btw, the comment: “meI’m blogrolling you as amritathinker, how’s the name?” is to me??

Have a thanda thanda cool day..
Roy  

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hey shankar, wish u all the luck and happiness for future...a goodday to u and thanks for ur wishes.

hi roy,

how ru doing? thats ok Roy, i know that it was just a formality..just kidding...u too have a thanda thanda cool day! :)  

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publish next post already!!!!!  

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hi girl interrupted..yeah, as u can see it.  

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Tx for dropping by my blog !

Well, am one of those unfortunate souls who has been denied the opportunity of adoption by Indian laws :-) Anyways, I think its better to let the children know by the parents themselves than someone else. I think thats the right way to go about it. Everyone is entitled to their share of truth!  

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hi tlw,

welcome to my blog...i am indeed sorry to know that u ve been denied an opportunity to adopt a child...maybe, u can try again...i agree that everyone's entitled to his/her share of truth, provoding it does not hurt the person concerned...ve a nice day!  

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I feel u need to demand royalty for these sis  

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