the Thinker

I have always had a problem with the concepts of love marriage and arranged marriage. People keep arguing all their lives for the camps they belong to. People supporting love marriages think that chosing a partner all by oneself provides one more confidence. It gives us time to know the person well. I would not completely agree with that, since I have seen couples who have stuck to each other for 3-4 years, and finally called it quits. The reason - even after 3-4 years they feel they are not made for each other.

One popular excuse I have often heard from my friends (all girls), is that the guy won't demand dowry if it is a love marriage. Another misconception. I have also heard about couples who were so deeply in love with each other, that caste, creed, religion, nothing posed as a barrier in their relationship. But when it came to marriage, the guy's family demanded a hefty amount owing to the fact that the chap is from IIT, Madras. The guy sat quietly when an atrocious amount of 20 lakhs of rupees was demanded by his family.The girl too was an MBBS from Ahmedabad, but it does not matter, afterall she is the bride, so naturally her family has to pay.Love does not count in such cases. The match broke.

Other cases where dowry has not been a villian, things turn sour after marriage because of ideological differences mentioned earlier. A couple celebrating every Valentine's day together, felt after marriage that they simply do not "gel." So a divorce followed. The issue is topical enough to demand the status of the cover story in one of the top Indian magazines.

If you guys are feeling that I am exhaling venom, let me assure you all that I am not a cynic, as far as, the concept of true love goes. People are there in this world (whom I know well) who have loved each other in a manner, that a major segment of the present generation might find hard to believe.

Now a bit of word about arranged marriage. The first bone of contention that crops up when we discuss arranged marriage is the problem of knowing the person. You meet a person through some remote phone number in the matrimonial column or maybe through a relative. You do not know how the person is. You wonder what kind of person he/she shall be. If you are a believer that top brands, though costly, work the best in the long run; then you are the one to say 'yes' to a MBA with a seven figure salary. If you are a guy you might not ask for more (by "more" I am definitely not including cash) if the girl is doctor, maybe working in Apollo. Or if she is working with a top advertising agency, a bit of good looks and a slim figure might be all you can ask for.

Girls too look out for similar attributes (generally). Good looking, handsome, rich, qualified. At a point one almost feels that she is carving her own image of Cinderella's dream prince (who might or might not exist). Well, if you had an arranged marriage your guy is your dream prince, lucky you! If you are a guy and got one of the fairy princesses for a wife, congrats again.

Parents generally have more experience of a married life, and therefore stress that they make the right choice for their children.Sometimes things might turn out the way they desire, sometimes they might not. But, believe me, good guys and girls do exist who listen to their parents and marry. I would not contest the fact that many of them do live the rest of their lives peacefully with their chosen mates.

I will not be cynical about all love marriages as well. There have been couples who have met each other in more exciting ways than Raj met Simran in the movie DDLJ.They did live happily ever after (so far). With that note I shall wind up this never ending debate. The fields open for all of you to express your opinion.

Amrita, there goes the hot topic again, which I have rambled about on and on in my blog...
Personally, I would love to marry a guy whom I know and I have the reasons to believe that I can live with. I am not all together a no - no for arranged marriages, but my only feeling is that I will feel more comfortable with someone I have spent sometime knowing and I feel confident about the fact that "I know why I want to live with him".
well, as u said, a never ending debate and am finding myself at the heart of it now; You know, don't u?:)  

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Ofcourse Anu I can understand perfectly what you mean. Every person (almost everyone I mean), prefer a person who can understand them completely.Whether love or arranged marriage, the person should be someone about whom you do not have to think twice  

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amrita, you have examined the issue from all sides :)

my opinion on this marriage thing is that if you (generally speaking) decide to take the arranged marriage route, then there is only a limited opportunity to know the person and you should live with it. you have given the responsibility to your parents and based on their experience you hope they do a good job. Normally they do. its upto us to explain them what we really need. usually plain talking helps. parents these days are more open minded, they atleast listen to what we say :)  

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Amrita,

I have to tell you the other side of the dowry scene.

My marriage was an arranged one.
Never took a single paisa as dowry.

But while I was looking out, one of the girls' dad, asked me why I am not asking for dowry. Am I sick, is everything ok at home? You are well qualified and have a good job? He was curious.

Right there I said, I am sorry and ended the proposal.

So think about it, these things happen too.

Bottom line, IMHO, AM or LM everything ends up finally in the same route. I am not sure if one is better than the other

FYI - I am married for 12 years now. My daughters are 10 and 5 years.  

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amrita, thats why I said you have to sit down and talk openly with your parents. They will listen.

Narayanan, thats interesting.  

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Yes Sarayan, i agree but sometimes parents misunderstand your view point though largely they are right.  

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oh oh dear...the debate is getting hotter!!
I know my parents do the best for me and are very open minded and thats why they listen to me..

Otherwise, they wouldn't have let me be what I am today..taking all the decisions myself..including my present decision to work for some more time..

In the case of a marriage, Its that delicate thread of sentiment that clings on which sets it much apart from other decisions that you might take in your life. Parents are doubly anxious especially if it is a girl..

Saranyan, when I talk so much about marriages on my posts, it also means I have spoken a lot about it to my parents too..:) As you said, plain talking does help but largely, parents' anxiety and this little expectation that they have out of you, that you should get married to the person whom they choose for you, comes as something that I can't talk against.

Amrita, one small correction there, at least in my case...its not that my parents don't understand my view point, its just that they wish I would accept their point over mine..And, I have most willingly agreed to do it!

Its just a question of isolating what you believe from what you choose to do..What I believe is my first comment here..and what I have chosen to do is to go with my parents!  

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Hmm...quite a topic!

I think it doesnt matter much whether its an arranged one or love marriage. Though in love marriages the couple have a satisfaction of choosing on their own...

But for a marriage to work well, the attitude of both husband and wife is the key. It calls for a lot of understanding, compromises and sacrifices. And it assures a great and happy life in return.

We generation have gotten used to so mch of freedom and liberty that it is getting difficult for people to develop these qualities. The reason traditionally indian marriages worked well is coz the upbringing ensured ppl hv enough of these qualities.

But now with so much of western influence on us, its getting difficult for us to lose the personal space and compromise. And thats what hampering marriages...  

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Thanx for leaving your comment Manoj. I guess whether you are too rigid in expressing your view?  

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Sriram, I guess you have made a very valid point. I too think that that understanding is the most important thing for a relation to work, be it a love or an arranged marriage  

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Manoj, well, i don't agree with you. Your statement is very generalised and will not hold true for everything in life...If everybody went ahead with what they believed in, there wouldn't certainly be a word called "compromise". By acting in the way that you believe you should, you might probably be hurting the beliefs of somebody really close to you. (Again I reiterate, in certain specific cases). I think its worth compromising on your beliefs in those cases.
There are some intricate arguments involved here and it is not easy to explain my stand through a comment. This is a decision which is not hasty and has come after lot of contemplation. I wouldn't want to take it any further, because its actually deviating from Amrita's many points. So..  

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Whenever ppl post abt this topic, it does raises quite a lot of points... interesting to see so many different views.  

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Hi, Chakra.Its actually interesting to see so many different viewpoints emerging.

Manoj, different people have different opinions about such a debatable topic, its nothing unusual, but what is needed is a bit of flexibility to let others viewpoints come up.

Byways, I hope there was no misunderstanding among any of you guys that I am having a conflict with my parents regarding my marriage. Its not at all on cards right now.  

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Aaah. The comments section was a longer read than the post itself. People luhv this topic don't they? ;-)
Journalism taught you this trick to get attention?? ;-)) Kidding.

I would agree with Anu in as much as being more comfortable with someone you know a little while longer than someone you don't know at all.
I suppose Narayana had a nice point. I'll share another piece of info with you.
I spoke to an elderly gentleman in Hydi and asked him why he was expecting dowry for his son's marriage. He had a a reasoning to offer which was one of its kind. He said, when the girl comes to our house we provide her with everything till she dies. If her huband falls into times of difficulty then he might be too proud to ask help from his in-laws. The girl's parents offer a portion of their property to the boy in order to help him build a financially stronger family along with their daughter. It was like a simple deal: My son and me have this much which will also belong to your daughter, so what can you provide to strengthen your daughter's future?

I didn't say anything about that. We are all aware of the crime committed in the name of dowry, so I wouldn't consider backing it, but this is an interesting POV.

AM or LM is like worrying whether you got your car from dealer X or dealer Y; if you can't maintain the car well, it is going to the dumpyard anyway. (Well, let's not extend the analogy to make it look like we are buying our spouse!!)

I suppose if one is comfortable with people and is accomodating enough, then AM or LM doesn't matter.

Anu, regarding the getting to know thing: lots of marriage are realised after a long period of courtship. So the scene is changing. A friend of mine was speaking to me last night about her ongoing courtship. She tells me (it is 3 weeks into her courtship) that she is eager to marry him now and can't wait till May!!! :-|

Its not as much about accepting as it is about resisting.

And here I was whimpering about long comments!!! When will I learn? :-(  

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well,Eroteme, that was a pretty extensive comment on the topic, I guess your view reminds of Sriram's view who believes the same that, whether LM or AM, it does not matter if there is no understanding in the relationship. Life is full of surprises for everyone, not everything goes as is planned. I will wait for the day when you would write a post on how you fell in love (that is if you like to write something that's so personal). Or maybe when you get married as per your parent's wishes you might write a blog stating reasons why do you think your car would run well (just kidding). Byways, I knew u were kidding when you said that journalism taught me that trick. They don't get time off from politics, social issues and stuff. Love is a remote issue for them.  

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Sarayan, You are right when you say that parents are mostly right. And they shall not take a wrong decision most of the times. I agree.But there are people who are not always happy with the choices their parents make. Ask Anu and she shall tell you.

Hello Narayanan, It was interesting to know the other side of the dowry story. I accept whatever you said. Infact there are families from the bride's side as well, which are very eager to give dowry and they too are respponsible in a way in the continuation of the dowry system. But the bottomline is whether LM or AM, which one should we call perfect, or is there any perfection at all.  

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Very well written. Your writing in this post is pointing to your relationship with your profession (not sure how far that is correct).

I am a bit surprised at the fact that dowry is still on. I thought, apart from some places in Andhra where people get villages as dowry (total pun intended), it was more or less gone. Atleast I know that most of my friends (most of them are here in the US) dont care about dowry and think of it as demeaning (which is how it should be thought of).

Well, I dont want to fight about this thing anymore, I have had enough discussions about this both in the blog world and in the real world with a lot of friends. I have left it to fate. So I will happily take whatever comes out of it.  

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Hi twin-Gemini, welcome to my blog. Well, it is sad but very much true that dowry still is a very prevalent social custom among the Indians, and maybe in some parts abroad as well. Its all a status quo game. The tragedy is that even in rural areas where people cannot afford hefty dowries they are forced to pay.Its a social evil which can be changed only if we change our mentality, and I am saying this not only for guys but also for brides. As Narayanan said there are many families which want to pay dowry because they think an eligible groom deserves dowry.Thanks for your compliment about my connection to my profession. Actually I write whatever I feel about a topic direct from my heart. Personal experiences help a lot.  

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Ah what a topic.

Makkale i am going through this.
I am the only child. Lost my dad sometime back. Not getting any younger. So amma is anxious to get me married.

As a guy of this generation( and quite an eccentric to boot) i have my own principles and expectations(for eg. i dont buy this caste, dowry funda).
Amma has her own.

I thought if i see a girl she should be comfortable with my persoanlity and be comfortable with amma as taking care of amma is my responsibility.

Amma has her own concerns-ore payyan, samarthu payyan(and thats a lie) nalla marumagala varanum.

But it looks like a mutually agreeable bride is far off in some other planet.

At the end of the day, i would prefer a girl who i know and who knows me(thereby she takes an informed decision of marrying a stupid).

But love marriage or arranged marriage only two loving, strong,healthy individuals make a happy marriage.

Right now the status quo remains and am having fun.  

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HI Prabhu, thanks for dropping by, I guess everyone has something or the other to talk about on this topic, all the best for your future relationship, whether you decide to go for a love or arranged marriage.  

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Like your blog. Found it searching for like minded souls out there.
All blessings, Astrology Horoscopes  

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